Love blinds us all
I recently came out of a serious relationship with a wonderful girl (white) from the US. We were inches close to marriage in fact! Being together for almost three years and living in Addis for most of it, my family had completely accepted her in and her family did the same of me too.
However, after spending about three months in the US, I came to an understanding that we lack the ability for open discussions regarding certain matters. This is when I became aware of the core problems in our relationship and with such issues unresolved, it would be a confusing world for our ‘mutually wished upon’ offspring to come after the marriage. Thus, from my perspective, here were the issues;
As it was a regular occurrence, I want to begin with how my ex continually discouraged me from reading, following up the news or scanning social media about racial issues in the US. Her intention were positive. It was so I did not internalise the issue while having so much empathy for the killing of black men and women by the police. Rightly so, it did infuriate and consume me at times and she was merely trying to protect me from being so upset and traumatised. Although, it always bothered me why she never seemed to be affected by it all that much. I would be lying if I did not admit the concerns I had while we enjoyed travelling state to state with her and her family: What if I was targeted next? How would she react then?… paranoia, well maybe. Nevertheless, we have all seen todays’ police prerequisite for shooting - [_______, while black.] - fill in blank as desired. I also noticed that, her white brother, her white father or her white uncles will never have to face this, and they clearly showed no care/interest in the topic, at least with me. As a matter of fact, her younger brother has openly told me that he is likely to vote for Trump in the 2020 elections.
I honestly still believe her discouragement was out of true care for me, and nor should you [reader] have any doubt either. At the end of the day, this is a person who was about to commit her life bound in marriage to me! Unfortunately, she just did not seem to accept that one should be traumatised, one ought to be infuriated and damn right angered with the systematically hateful and subhuman mentality of the US police. It then became quite obvious, not anytime soon would she come to a strong enough understanding of the magnitude of terror black people are put through in her country. Some even commit suicide!
At this point, I found myself projecting our relationship forward and I further questioned; what would she advise our ‘to be’ offspring? An offspring likely to identify and be treated by society as a black/brown child. As far as I was concerned, the US is no place to raise our child in this atmosphere. Plentiful of volatility and toxicity, where ignorance to racial issues has again become an unavoidable and central reality of American socio-economic and cultural politics. I do not wish such kind of identity crisis upon anyone, let alone a child I wish to bring into this world. I could not fool myself any longer.
Another important aspect to raise is of course, her family ties. One side of her family (grandpa, grandma, uncles and aunts) are Evangelical Christians and full-on Trump supporters. I can hear some of you think loudly… ‘Say. No. More…’, but please, bear with me still…!
My ex is now completely against Trump and his policies after meeting and talking with my friends and I in Addis about three and a half years ago. However, it is worth mentioning that she was influenced by this side of her family back in 2016. Even encouraged to vote for Trump and support his religious ideology (fallacious then, as they are apparent today!). To be quite honest, it hardly bothered me, I thought that her extended family’s worldview should not affect our relationship. Besides, I’m marrying her, not them.
After meeting with them a number of times however, I started to think about what marriage really means: I will be taking her family as mines and she will be taking mines as hers. A significant aspect of the marital agreement, not always given the value it demands. This is true across all cultures, most definitely in ours.
My personal views of Trump supporters has always been clear in my head. Mostly, privileged white folk who decided racism, bigotry and misogyny are not ‘disqualifiers’ for his presidency. Also, they are most likely unaware of their serious cognitive dissonance. It is worth noting again, my ex agrees with this view to an extent. However, in her glossed view of them, possibly due to her strong ties; she always managed to convince me otherwise when it came to her family. But I could not be convinced of it anymore. In fact, it actually still disturbs me that, these very Trump supports have a beautiful and sweet Ethiopian girl they have adopted and they also continue to run a religious NGO in Ethiopia. Cognitive dissonance in abundance, if you ask me.
They were nice to me. After all I was to be joining their family. Whatever the case maybe, I also do not think it wise to lump all Trump supporters as the same racist bigots we see stereotyped on the media. I have indeed broke bread and shared good times with them and sure, some disagreements too, obviously. One night however, stands out the most. Thanksgiving! The day before, I pleaded with my ex for me not to attend this festivity (for those who do not know the background to this sick tradition, please look up its true history, I beg you!). I decided it was not worth upsetting her, so I attended.
Unfortunately, while playing board games with the family that evening, her uncle who is a Pastor and his stay at home Filipino-American wife repeatedly announced how they absolutely hated Bernie and they loved Trump. It was not directed to me, but you know, you can tell… It was too many times they wanted to talk about Trump with me, specially the Pastor uncle. It was definitely getting to me at this point. Their obvious need to force unnecessary conversations about a person who has declared me as someone from a “shit-hole country”, and my ex’s refusal to even discuss their actions proved just too much for me to accept!
From that point forward, I was lost and confused about our relationship. Mind you, this was while staying with her family for a few weeks. I felt trapped by the love I had for her and the trouble of dealing with these issues, combined with other added burdens. It was wrecking me from the inside. I even tried leaving once or twice unsuccessfully. Finally, after having one of our worst arguments, I left the US. Fortunately too, as I got away just in time before being quarantined. Essentially, stuck in such a depressing situation where our inability to communicate led me to become highly exasperated and very negative towards her. The signs were there, without good communication and understanding between us with regards to such poignant issues, I started to visualize our inevitable doom.
Of course there were a plethora of other reasons for our breakup that have nothing to do with the aforementioned issues. However, they certainly were unpreventable factors!
Obviously, I was absolutely devastated about breaking up. I kept thinking of possible scenarios and approaches where the relationship could be rekindle. I couldn’t easily let go off someone I loved dearly and lived with for almost three years. We were truly in love. However, for us, it just was not meant to be this time.
Since being back in Addis, I allowed time to critically reflect on our time in the US and the relationship as a whole. It was uncomfortable, saddening and painfully heartbreaking at times. However, since it has been a while after we ended the relationship, I feel that we have both moved on as much as we can.
With all that being said, I hope it is evident that I‘m not necessarily in full agreement with the proposed encouragement for “people to find love in their own community first”. Sure, it’s easier I guess but having a relationship from your own community will also have it’s own set of difficulties. It’s more about how the couple choose to navigate them.
I also think it is important that we see beyond and accept the fact that two people can just meet by circumstances of geography, work, travel, etc… As the social beings that we are, friendships are made. Consequently, from those friendships, some manage to fall in love regardless of their racial or cultural backgrounds. Therefore, I do not think one should actively pursue a relationship only from the community they identify with.
Furthermore, something I noticed while scanning through the comments of the previous quoted post ob Shades of Injera, there was an argument for ‘self-hate’ being the reason for why black people choose to be in a relationship with or marry a white person. I really think this is a weak and presumptuous argument and one that evokes unnecessary division. I am not saying ‘self-hate’ does not exist, it certainly does and I believe the reasons are rooted deep in pre-colonial and colonial past. However, one makes an incredible leap and a hurtful conclusion when saying such things with regards to love and relationships. This is not like buying skin whitening cream or having cosmetic surgery to straighten ones’ nose. Such argument disregards and belittles the black men and women already in existing mixed couples relationships and their families. Especially their children. It is simply not right!
Finally, I hope you would agree with me that no-one is colour blind when it comes to race. Not even the colour-blind. However, I am sure we can all agree, LOVE blinds us all.
